Interview with the Apocolypse

About a week ago I sat down with some one on one time with my good friend, Pestilence, for a little Question and Answer session. It was quite interesting, to say the least, and we got a little insight into the inner workings of Pestilence. Well, it seems the guys have a very interested fan base, and throughout the week I have been asked to sit down with the cast and do a little Q and A interview session. It was hard getting everyone to agree on a time or place, but I finally got them all together, and I even had a little surprise for them. I invited F.F.T.E.'s biggest fan, Blind-Kidd, into the studio, to pose her questions to them, directly. We all had a great time, or at least some of us did anyways...


(Matt) "Hey guys, Come on in, take a seat. It's been a while since I've had you all here with me, it's really good to see you all together like this!"

(War) "Yeah..."

(Death) "I got an appointment in a little bit, probably can't stay too long."

(Famine) "Cake?"

(Pestilence) "I can't believe I am doing this again..."

(Matt) "Well, anyways, I am glad you could all make it, I'll get the cake in just a minute, Coffee is on the counter top just over there, Death, help yourself."

(Death) "Coffee!? Sweet!"

(Matt) "Also, I have a special guest here with us today, I'd like you all to meet Kidd, She's your biggest fan!"

(B-K) "Hi guys! This is so exciting for me! I can't thank you all enough for coming out here today, to answer some of my questions!"

(Death) "Very nice to make your acquaintance, I'd shake hands... but... probably not a good idea..."

(War) "Hello."

(Pestilence) "Oh, it's you..."

(Matt) "Ummm... "Where'd  Famine go?"

(Pestilence) "You brought a 'girl'..."

(Matt) "Oh... Right... I always forget about that."

(B-K) "Is there a problem with me being a girl?"

(Matt) "No, it's just that..."

(Pestilence) "Famine is shy around those with... women parts."

(Death) "Tits make him nervous."

(B-K) "Oh..."

(War) "Don't worry, I'll go get him."

(Matt) "Well, if you think he'll be uncomfortable, perhaps he can come in after? or I can ask the questions that are just for him later?"

(B-K) "That'd be fi-"

(Pestilence) "No, I don't want him out there chewing up anything on my car."

(Matt) "So you all came together then?"

(Death) "No."

(Matt) "... Alright...  Well, I guess as soon as War and Famine get back here, we can get started... Or, if you guys don't mind, we can dive right in, and start with you two?"

(B-K) "That's fine, I mean, as long as you guys don't mind?"

(Death) "Sure! I got my coffee, I'm as ready for this as a Doe Rabbit in Breeding season!"

(Pestilence) "... Yeah... Whatever... Let's just get this over with..."

(Matt) "Pestilence, You know, you don't have t-"

(Pestilence) "Let's just do this."


(Matt) "Okay, Kidd, are you ready to ask your first question?"

(B-K) "I sure am! And first, let me thank Pestilence for all the answers he gave to my last questions, I really appreciate it. I know you don't care much for this, so let me get you out of the way first, alright?"

(Pestilence) "Was that your first question? Because if it was..."

(B-K) "No. My first question for you is more of a curiosity really, I would like to know if you have any kind of interesting skills or abilities, aside from talking to insects, that is..."

(Pestilence) "Hmmm... interesting... So you want to know what I can DO? Well, before we came here, my job was to bring plagues and evils upon mankind... well, it is more convoluted than that, but, to give you an example... around the mid thirteen hundreds, I was asked to create an illness that would wipe out most of the human race. I used Rats as carriers. Humans called it the Black Plague. You remember that one Death?"

(Death) "Oh yeah... I had a bit of a time keeping up with that one."

(Pestilence) "Well, anyways, That was my job... But it's not all I can do. Even with limited power, I am capable of that much. I can control climates, alter weather patterns, speed up or slow down decay, you know, environmental stuff. But that's not all, I can effect the living as well. Aside from getting creatures to do my will, I can effect flesh and organs, by any manner of my choosing, be it poisons, toxins, or otherwise. I can even Re-animate flesh."

(Death) "Pisses me off when you do that. Causes more problems than I want to deal with."

(Pestilence) "But you always enjoy sending them back."

(Death) "True."

(Matt) "Wait, you mean... You can create... Zombies?"

(Pestilence) "They prefer the term, 'Returners', as in those who have returned, but yes, in a way. You see, if I bring someone back, they aren't 'Un-Dead'..."

(Death) "That occurs when I don't harvest a soul. Or If the sands in their hourglass... go the other way..."

(Pestilence) "It's all kind of technical... But I hope that helps you with your curiosity."

(B-K) "You have no idea! I didn't know that you could do all that!"

(Pestilence) "Oh, there's still more, but, for now, that can be enough. What was your next question?"

(B-K) "Well, I had asked-"

(War) "Okay, I got him. He only agreed to come back as long as he could wear the suit, and as long as you don't ask him questions directly, or make eye contact..."

(B-K) "Oh, well, Okay... is that all?"

(War) "Well he wanted you to put a giant flannel blanket over yourself, and talk through a Darth Vader Voice changer... But where are we going to get one of those on such short notice?"

(Matt) "I might have-"

(Pestilence) "It's not necessary. Famine... Remember what I told you? What's rule number Three?

(Famine) *Whispers in War's ear*

(Pestilence) "No, out loud!"

(Famine) *mumbling inaudible*

(Pestilence) "I can't hear you..."

(Famine) "-rls aren't scary."

(Pestilence) "That's right, girls aren't scary... Especially Human ones."

(Matt) "You guys have... Rules?"

(War) "No, just Famine..."

(Matt) "How many are there, and what are they for?"

(Pestilence) "I thought we were here to answer HER questions..."

(Matt) "Right... Sorry... Kidd?"

(B-K) "I was told that you aren't immortal?"

(Pestilence) "Well... Ummm... Death? you want to help me out here? This is more for you anyway..."

(Death) "Sure. No. We are not Immortal."

(B-K) "Is that all? Can you explain?"

(Death) "I can."

(B-K) "Will you please?"

(Death) "No."

(Matt) "Why not?"

(War) "I got this one. It's not a good idea to go telling people how to kill you. Don't you agree?"

(Pestilence) "Well said."

(Death) "Indeed."

(Famine) "Anaconda! Pffffft!" *chuckling*

(Matt) "What the h-?"

(Pestilence) "Don't ask."


(B-K) "Well, none of that was really helpful, but I guess I'll just ask the next question. Pestilence, I had forgotten to ask about your sword, and what type it is?"

(Pestilence) "My Sword'ZZZZZ'... I have two of them. A long and a short. A Katana, and a Wakizashi. They are companion blades, forged in the fires of Hell. The Katana's blade is highly polished steel with a full tang that runs through the ivory tsuka wrapped with chord made of angel hair. The tsuba and kashira are made of the purest white gold, this sword was meant to send souls to heaven, while the Wakizashi has a blade made of iron, a tsuka made of carved granite inlaid with silver filigree, and the tsuba and kashira are also of silver, however, the kashira also contains the soul of a demon. Both swords are sheathed in scabards made of Black walnut and bleached to be white. Inscribed on the blade of the Katana, the words, "Judgement, Worthy' and of the Wakizashi, "Condemned, Damnation". They exist because De-"

(Death) "I ordered them to be made, during the Feudal era of Japan, during the Edo/Tokogawa shogunate. There was a need for me to take on a more... Samurai appearance, for reasons that are hard for me to explain... In an effort to make the harvesting of souls from Japan easier, I adopted the swords, and shortly thereafter discarded them. I prefer the feel of the scythe, it just seems more personal."

(Pestilence) "And there you have it. I took them to be mine when he no longer wanted them."

(B-K) "That's pretty cool. It's interesting to learn about things in your guy's past. Speaking of that, I know you have gone through some changes over the years, some of those being that you had lion's paws and lack of clothing, and even two dragon wings instead of one dragon and one angel. Looking back at those changes, what were some of the things that were hard to accept, and why did you discard those that you did?"

(Pestilence) "You've done your homework. Excellent question. Indeed, there was a time when I was a more dark and sinister character. I still have very little, in the way of hopes for mankind, and almost relished the pleasure in my job assignments. I had a more feral look, I adopted lion's paws, as a significant symbol of master of the beasts, and various other critters, but also because of the regal fear that comes from the Lion. Majestic, noble, strong, powerful, fearless... all these describe the lion, and I felt that I needed to be all of those things. My hair was white then too, long and unkempt. I had no regard for such things as clothing or personal appearance, I didn't even bathe. As for the dual dragon win-"

(Death) "Sorry to interrupt, I gotta go take care of some business. Be right back, don't wait for me to continue."

(B-K) "Oh... Okay."

(Matt) "See ya in a bit!"

(B-K) "So... Pestilence...?"

(Pestilence) "Mmmm... Yeah?"

(B-K) "You were saying... about the wings?"

(Pestilence) "Oh? Right... Ummm... Where was I? Back when I had TWO dragon wings... Those were the dark ages, Man believed in and feared Dragons... It was my way of keeping fear and confusion, people actually believed Dragons would burn villages and steal the breath of babies, things like that... It was just me."

(B-K) "So then why the Angel wing now? Have you become a good guy?"

(Pestilence) "I am neither good, or evil, I just am what I am. The Angel wing was adopted when I was traveling back and forth between the realms, many thought that I was 'demon born', which I, of course, was not. After much deliberation with the Creator, I was finally granted Angel wings, but I asked that I keep one Dragon wing instead."

(B-K) "That's pretty cool. That's one of the things that I really like about your look. Which seems to be very important to you now. Appearances... You seem to care a lot about them now, more so than before, as you say. In that regard, does it matter when you consider your mode of transport?"

(Pestilence) "Well, I CAN fly... but, I prefer to get around in a 1982 Lamborghini Countach LP500S. It's White. It's parked out front if you want to take a look at it when we're done here. It's my bay-bee. I love that car."

(B-K) "Sounds cool, I might take you up on that."

(Pestilence) "If you want I could proba-"

(Death) "Back. Cancer in Indonesia..."

(B-K) "That's kinda Sad..."

(Pestilence) "Ah yes... Cancer..."

(Death) "It is what it is..."

(War) "It's been kind of slow for me... I keep trying to stir up shit between Korea and the U.S., but Cana-"

(Famine) "Is there more cake?"

(Matt) "Sure, I'll go get some. Death, would you like some more coffee? Black, right?"

(Death) "Always."

(B-K) "Actually, Death, it's you I want to talk to next. While Matt's getting coffee and cake, do you mind if we start?"

(Death) "Sure."

(B-K) "I notice that you keep one of your sleeves rolled up, is there any significance to that?"

(Death) "Not Really. Not unless there is a significance to Amazonian women cutting off their tits."

(War) "Well, actually, they do that to keep them from getting in the way of their archery."

(Death) "Oh... well then, yes."

(Matt)  "Your coffee sir. You do the sleeve for your archery?"

(Death) "No, but it does make it easier to swing my scythe.)

(B-K) "Oh... I see, okay then. Next question... What does your hourglass do?"

(Death) "This... I made this... It shows me how long until the next person's life sand runs out. All of the information comes to me, Who, when, why, where... and I use the sands to keep track. Each grain of sand represents a living person. Sometimes, when there are multiple coinciding losses of life, there will be different colors of grains of sand, this helps me keep track of each person's consciousness, in the order it severed itself from the soul. In  the case of the twin tower attacks, or any other massive attack where literally hundreds of lives are exterminated at once, the sands turn different shades of black... Because, pieces of people die... all the lives that were deeply touched by the previously living... Then my job becomes hard. It's all very complicated. It has taken me a millennium to get a good system down."

(B-K) "So it's more than just a timer."

(Death) "Yes."

(B-K) "So, an hourglass, and a scythe... Are these your only weapons?"

(Death) "No."

(B-K) "What else then?"

(Death) "War made me a really sweet toy. It'll blast the shit out of anything, even constipated turd monkeys!"

(Famine) "mmm... Monkeys are tasty... Itchy, but tasty."

(B-K) "Er... eh... I see... Ummm... So what is this toy that War made for you?"

(War) "A Gatling shotgun. It fires 12 gauge rounds. I have the feeds alternated with armor piercing rounds and scatter shot. It's awesome! I also created a mount for his horse."

(Death) "Man... I love that thing."

(B-K) "Sounds like fun. What's this about a horse?"

(Death) "I have a Horse."

(War) "I made that too. Clockwork, cybernetics, hydraulics... All the things that a horse should have, without the messy bits that get in the way."

(Pestilence) "I added the soul of a Nightmare."

(Death) "Man, I love that thing, too."

(B-K) "Okay... is that your only mode of transportation? There are rumors that you can phase into and out of existence where necessary, at the time of someone's demise... Is this correct?"

(Death) "Yes."  

(B-K) "Alright... Ummm... Has your character development changed a lot over the years?"

(Death) "My... what? You mean my image? Yeah, I change it up to suit the needs of the people and the era. During the time the Egyptians were recording, I was called Anubis, I had a helmet that I wore that resembled a Jackal. The dark ages saw me wearing black armor and a cloak. In Japan I dressed more like a samurai. For Catholics and some christian believers, I appear more like an angel. Basically my appearance reflects the believer's perception of me, and I have been called by many names. However, these days, I kind of wear what I want. People don't really expect me to show, and therefore, don't know what to expect... but I never miss an appointment."

(Matt) "Must be hard to keep all that straight."

(B-K) "Yeah, I bet."

(Death) "Not really."

(B-K) "But why a baseball cap?"

(Death) *Laughing* "Baseball cap... This is my own design. I had a brief run in with a guy from Boston in the mid 1800's, he was having a near death experience, and I was there on standby... The next thing I know, people everywhere are wearing them."

(Famine) *chuckling*

(B-K) "So, someone stole your idea... That must have made you a little upset..."

(Death.) "Not really. I don't get upset."

(B-K) "Good, because my last question for you... I thought it might be a little... touchy... I notice that you don't have a jaw... is there a reason for that?"

(Death) "Yes."

(Pestilence) "Funniest story... ever... of all time. So... Death has to go and harvest the soul of a-"

(Famine) *laughing*

(Death) "She doesn't need the details..."

(B-K) "Oh, but I'd really love to hear the stor-"

(Death) "It was... lost, stolen, or given away, depending on the perspective of those involved... Pick one, it really doesn't matter, I don't need it. End of story. Anyways, I have to get going again soon, so if you're done with me, for now, I'll take this opportunity to excuse myself for a bit."

(B-K) "Oh. Alright. Well, thank you for answering all my questions. I appreciate you taking the time to do so. You'll be back in a while though? Because I do have a few questions for you all, as a group, that I'd like to ask."

(Death) "Yes. You're very welcome. Meetings with me don't often end well for those I am meeting. This has been... Enjoyable."

(B-K) "Again... Thank you."

(Matt) "Well now, War, I guess it's your turn in the hot seat..." *Chuckling*

(War) "I don't think so. This has been fun, so far."

(Matt) "It's a figure of speech... Never mind. Kidd...?"

(B-K) "Yes...? Oh, right... Sorry, I can't believe I was just 'talking' to 'Death'."

(Matt) "It can be a little.... un-nerving."

(B-K) "No, it was COOL! This is so awesome. I am so glad we could to do this. Alright, War, my first question for you... Why do your goggles glow?"

(War) "Something to do with silver bells and cockle shells... I think... Oh... no... sorry, wait... that's how to grow a garden... Sorry Kidd... I actually didn't know that my goggles were glowing, until the first time someone said something to me about it. As to why... I don't know."

(Famine) "heh heh, you said Cock..."

(War) "No, I said 'cockle'. There is a difference."

(Famine) "Not in smell."

(B-K) "ummmm..."

(War) "Pfft... whatever... Are you even paying attention to what is going on here?"

(Famine) "No? I want to be 'Mr. Pink.' Anaconda! Pffffft!"

(Pestilence) "You can be 'Mr. Pink' later. For now, shut up, or go eat something."

(Famine) "Cake?"

(Matt) "Oh right! Crap I forgot it in the oven! Be right back!"

(B-K) "Did he just bake a cake?"

(War) "He could have..."

(Pestilence) "It's possible. He's more womanly than most women we have met."

(Matt) "I heard that!Right, alright here we go... A quadruple double helping for you, and I even plated it up on a used tire stuffed with lasagna, wrapped in bacon, and topped it off with strawberry glaze, anchovies, and pickle juice. Bon appetit!"

(Pestilence) "That's just... a quadruple wha...?"

(Famine) "My favorite!"

(B-K) "...So... before all of... that... and by the way, that smells, absolutely horrible... We were just talking with Death about how his appearances have changed over the years, what about you? Has your character changed much?"

(War) "Not really. I mean... It's hard to remember back that far. I went through a faze where I liked to show off... But I pretty much stayed how I am now."

(B-K) "hmmm... Okay... Why is there a plasma beam, if that's what it is, on the back of your sword? Does it have some sort of significance?"

(War) "It is an electrolaser. The sword is a design of my own making, influenced by somethings I have seen, but the beam edge is really the pride of the piece. I like a good battle, so the steel edge is for fighting, but the beam is for getting serious. A little, not so well known, fact, is that I can use the beam edge as a bow string and launch short bursts of plasma, like arrows across the steel edge. I also have a giant hammer, and I can create any weapon out of thin air, with just a thought. But when it comes to firearms... I prefer a .50 caliber Sniper rifle."

(B-K) "That is really cool. Like a bow and arrow, you say... that's awesome. What is the need to wear a full body black suit?"

(War) "Because I like it? Too many years showing off my body? I don't know. I just do. It's bullet proof if that means anything to you..."

(B-K) "Hmmm... and how do you get your hair to stay up like that?"

(War) "I wash and condition my hair three times a day, and when I style it, I just use a mega hold Gel, with a few bursts of hairspray."

(Matt) "Ahah! So that's how it's done! Do you have any other hair care advice?"

(War) "ah, yes... Herbal Essences does not make you do "THAT" in the shower, Paul Mitchell does."

(B-K) *blushing* 'I didn't know... Ummm... uhmmm... last question... I take it, that your custom made your motorcycle, how long did that take?"

(War) "Well, it's kind of a constant work in progress. So I guess you can say that it's incomplete even now. I am always modifying something, trying to get a few more horses out of it, or a little more torque... and then there are always new design elements that I get inspiration from... But it's not my only bike. I have a few... I like to collect and fix them up. I may even open a sho-"

(Death) "Pardon the intrusion, but I am back."

(B-K) "Welcome Back!"

(Matt) "Oh, you were gone... Right... where did you go?"

(Death) "You've become a little complacent, haven't you? And... you don't want to know... Let's just use the term... Purge."

(B-K) "Purge?"

(Pestilence) "No, he's right, you don't want to know. I didn't want to know, and now I know... and trust me, you don't want to know."

(B-K) "I think I've heard that somewhere before..."

(Famine) "You have. Atlantis, Disney, 2001, directed by Gary Trousdale and Kirk Wise, with the voice talents of Michael J. Fox, Leonard Nimoy, James Garner, and Cree Summer, the 'Hottest' voice actress of this era, and the guy who did that particular quote was, Phil Morris, not to be confused with Phillip Morris, the tobacco company, but as Joshua Sweet, the doctor."

(B-K) "You just..."

(Matt) "Talked...?"

(Famine) "What? Why is everyone looking at me? Hello everyone. Is there something on my face?"

(Pestilence) "ummm... You were talking..."

(Famine) "Yeah, and...?"

(War) "There is a 'girl' right there..."

(Famine) "That's not a girl..."

(Death) "She's got breasts like a hormonally imbalanced turkey, aint she?"

(Famine) "That's a spaceman from Venus. And even if he was a girl, I would not have to be afraid of it, because I am protected by rule number seventeen. I can always eat what I am afraid of."

(Pestilence) "I uh..."

(War) "Did you?"

(Pestilence) "No... that's not one of mine..."

(Matt) "shhh... Guys... if he'll talk to her, maybe now is a good time to ask him your questions?"

(B-K) "Ooh! Good Idea! I like your thinking!"

(War) "Brilliant!"

(B-K) "Ummm... Famine... Ummm... since... I am a... space...man... from Venus..."

(Famine) "And you got here by riding on a helicopter..."

(Pestilence) "What the F-"

(B-K) "Shh! No! Yes, and it crashed when I landed on Earth... I need to do some research on your kind... Would you mind answering a few questions for me?"

(Famine) "I don't suppose the whale you landed on will be able to answer your questions, so I suppose I could do that thing for you, and when we are done, I can take you back to your home planet on the moon."

(B-K) "Yes, that would be lovely, but I may have to do some shopping for some new space shoes first... Would that be okay?"

(Famine) "Mmmm... I don't know... does that mean we would have to go to the mall? Cuz I hate that place."

(B-K) "We might... but you could stay in the car."

(Matt) "I can't believe this is happening..."

(Pestilence) "I think I'm in love, can we keep her?"

(Famine) "Yes! That is a great Idea! Then we could have a puppy!"

(Death) "That doesn't m-"

(B-K) "Whatever, it's fine... Famine, what are you made of?"

(Famine) "some people like to call it 'Primordial Soup' but I like to call it water."

(B-K) "Ok, great! And why do you wear an elephant suit?"

(Famine) "It helps me to blend in."

(Pestilence) "With what, the zoo?"

(Famine) "Aww Man, I love that place!"

(B-K) "Do you have any words on your character development?"

(Famine) "Oh, I wouldn't know anything about that... I am not the first Famine. you would have to ask the original, but he's not here right now."

(B-k) "I don't understand, but we seem to be moving along nicely here, so, I'm just going to keep on going."

(Faming) "Yeah..."

(B-K) "Is there anything you have eaten, that you didn't like?"

(Famine) "I ate a mall once. It fell under rule seventeen, and we all agree that 'Hotdog on a Stick' is a scary place."

(Matt) "They have the most amazing Corn-dogs! So much better than Weinershnitzel..."

(Death) "But they do have better chili dogs."

(Matt) "Hot dog on a stick... doesn't sell chili dogs..."

(War) "And that is what makes Weinershnitzel a better place."

(Pestilence) "But the girls at Hot dog on a stick... Wow!"

(Famine) "And that's what makes that place so scary... just like Hooters..."

(Matt) "Or like a strip club..."

(Pestilence) "Oh man... why did you have to..."

(Famine) "...Strip club..."

(Death) "He saw a porno once..."

(War) "He still has nightmares..."

(Pestilence) "Yeah... and then we thought it would be funny to take him to a strip club... that was..."

(Death) "Enlightening."

(War) "Not a good idea."

(Matt) "What happened?"

(Pestilence) "You remember that movie... 'Zombie Strippers'? Let's just say... It's based on a true story..."

(B-K) "Oh my... Didn't that have Jenna Jameson in it?"

(Matt) "You know her?"

(B-K) "Not personal-"

(Matt) "Will you Marry me?"

(B-K) "What...? I Don't..."

(Matt) "No... Seriously... Kiddo... Will you Marry me?"